Grief and Gratitude
For me, 2023 was a year of Grief and Gratitude. I experienced devastating loss that made me question my spiritual beliefs. Has that ever happened with you? Have you felt shaken by something that you previously never doubted?
From prayers to petitions, I begged and beseeched my ancestors, spirit guides, guardians, angels, and everyone else I could rally to grant me my heart’s wish with the persistence of water droplets that cut through stone. That was in 2021.
And eventually, They came through! The joy I experienced in 2022 felt unparalleled. Rapturous. The promise and potential was great. I provided altar offerings and maintained my meditations. I navigated challenges with agility and faith until the challenges outweighed the rewards and the struggle quieted the praise.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
I remember the headaches I gave myself from crying. The headaches I gave myself while remaining mindful and present during client sessions. The headaches I gave myself when I forgot to wear my night guard.
I stopped praying. I stopped meditating. I stopped believing. I felt abandoned. Why would I ask for anything else, I thought? Clearly I was cursed and any blessing was sure to be as well. I felt fraudulent for championing others’ beliefs. No need to project my shit onto them, right? Maybe their God loves them. I felt envious.
I turned my intentions to basic needs. During my grieving process, I neglected nutrition — didn’t really have an appetite — and experienced both hypersomnia and insomnia. My hygiene was in tact only when I left the house. I cried between client sessions and sometimes bit the inside of my cheek during sessions to maintain composure. I often tasted blood.
After focusing on my basic needs until the practice became routine, I turned my attention on my internal family. My Inner Child, Ego, and Higher Self had several tearful, often angry, family meetings. Each needed something different from me. My inner child needed me to laugh again, to be creative, and to stop scaring her. My Ego needed to regain trust in me to let me lead. My Higher Self needed me to tap into my long-term memory for proof that this too shall pass. The journey to meet the needs of my internal family took several forms. I made self-reflective lists that played a role in my healing, journaled daily for insight and expression, read tarot cards to explore various scenarios and avenues of acceptance, practiced aromatherapy and breathwork to steady my nervous system, and met with my therapist and coach to inch closer towards forgiveness.
The most important aspect of my healing, however, was gratitude. I thanked my Inner Child for her relentless positivity and ability to rhyme affirmations. I thanked my Ego for her sassy attitude that fired me up during depressive episodes and made me giggle with devious delight. I thanked my Higher Self for keeping me grounded, helping me take accountability instead of sinking into victimhood. I thanked my beautiful mother for flying across the country to care for me (she had never heard the sound of my heart breaking and it scared her). I thanked my courageous clients for their vulnerability that challenged me to strengthen my resilience and empathy. And eventually, I thanked my Self for making the most out of every negative Taurus trait; stubbornly never giving up, defiantly maintaining my sobriety, and begrudgingly figuring out a way to move forward without triggering workaholism or spiritual bypass.
That last part was key. I recognized how much I previously deferred to the Universe and how ridiculous it was to confer blame. My human issues are way below God’s pay grade, okay? I learned to have more self-belief, to see the Divinity within myself. And that’s how I will start the new year — with humility, wisdom, and gratitude.
The stability with which I start 2024 is a testament to my holistic practices. I look forward to sharing these with you and enhancing my knowledge with your wisdom.
