Loyalty: Who Has Whose Back?
You don’t know this about me, but The Pretenders’ I’ll Stand By You is my therapist theme song. The lyrics reflect who I am as a therapist and demonstrate my values — empathy, support, and togetherness, which are at the core of my work. Loyalty, to me, is about showing up for people in their darkest moments, standing beside them when they feel most alone. But lately, I’ve been asking: Who has whose back? Let’s explore loyalty—healthy vs. unhealthy, where people misplace it, and how to cope when we aren’t chosen.
Photograph: Anna Rose Layden/Getty Images
Loyalty is often seen as a virtue—something that defines the strength of our relationships. But what happens when loyalty is misplaced? When parents choose their partner over their child, when family members stand by an abuser instead of the survivor, or when leaders surround themselves with only the most blindly devoted followers, loyalty becomes something else entirely. It transforms from a bond of trust to a weapon of exclusion, leaving those on the outside questioning their worth.
As a therapist, I see the pain of misplaced loyalty firsthand. Clients struggle to understand why their parent defended a new spouse at their expense. Why a sibling took the side of an abusive in-law. Why the people who were supposed to protect them failed. It’s heartbreaking to witness and even more painful to experience. And even more complex is when the unchosen person—specifically a child—defends the very person who abandoned or harmed them.
What Is Healthy Loyalty?
Loyalty should be a commitment to truth, to integrity, and to the well-being of those we love—not blind allegiance at any cost. Healthy loyalty does not demand silence in the face of harm or require self-betrayal to maintain a connection. It is not about choosing one person over another, but about standing by what is just and right.
In a parent-child relationship, loyalty prioritizes a child's safety, emotional well-being, and sense of belonging. It does not mean forcing a child to accept mistreatment or abandonment in the name of "keeping the peace." Likewise, in families, loyalty should never mean covering for an abuser or pretending harm isn’t happening to maintain appearances. And in leadership, loyalty serves the greater good, not just the leader's ego.
Why Do People Misplace Their Loyalty?
Fear of Loss – Parents who choose a new spouse over their child may fear losing their romantic relationship, social status, or financial security. Family members who side with an abuser might be afraid of conflict, retaliation, or the discomfort of facing hard truths.
Conditioning and Obligation – Many are raised to believe loyalty means unwavering support, no matter what. “Blood is thicker than water” is often misinterpreted to mean family must always come first, even when they are the source of harm.
Survival and Self-Preservation – Some people choose the side that feels safest. If speaking up means being cast out, ridiculed, or even harmed, silence can feel like self-protection.
Internalized Shame and Justification – One of the most heartbreaking dynamics is when the unchosen person defends the negligent or abusive person. Children, in particular, pedestalize their caregivers because their survival depends on them. If a parent prioritizes a new partner over them or dismisses their pain, it’s often easier for the child to blame themselves than to accept that their parent is failing them. That self-blame turns into shame—“I must not be worthy of love,” “If I were better, they would choose me,” “Something must be wrong with me.” This misplaced loyalty keeps them attached to a harmful relationship, even into adulthood.
How to Cope With Being Unchosen
If you've experienced the pain of being abandoned, disregarded, or betrayed in the name of someone else's loyalty, you are not alone. Here are some ways to process and move forward:
Validate Your Feelings – It’s okay to feel angry, hurt, or confused. Betrayal by a loved one is one of the deepest wounds. Your pain is real and you don’t have to minimize it.
Redefine Family and Loyalty – If those who were supposed to have your back don’t, seek out chosen family—people who love, respect, and prioritize your well-being. True loyalty comes from mutual care, not obligation.
Set Boundaries – You don’t have to maintain relationships that consistently hurt you. If someone chooses to enable harm, you can choose to distance yourself.
Heal Through Community – Finding spaces where you feel seen and valued can counteract feelings of rejection. Support groups, therapy, and friendships with people who truly have your back can be life-changing.
Release the Need for Justification – Sometimes there is no good reason for why people betray us. Trying to make sense of senseless choices can keep us stuck. Accepting that their actions reflect them, not your worth, is key to moving forward.
Loyalty Should Never Cost You Yourself
True loyalty isn’t about blind allegiance—it’s about standing in truth, even when it’s hard. It’s about protecting the vulnerable, not defending the powerful at their expense. If you have been unchosen, I want you to know that your worth is not defined by someone else’s inability to stand by you. You deserve relationships where loyalty means love, support, and safety. And if you haven’t found those relationships yet, keep going. The right people—the ones who truly have your back—are out there.
