Shame vs. Affirmations
I might be experiencing a little shame right now as I write this realization. “Why didn’t I see it before??” my mind asks. “Because I didn’t and now I do. Let’s stay present.” (That’s my current response lol)
The almighty “They” say that the best way to learn something is to teach it. I’ve been teaching shame resilience for a couple of years now and recording affirmations in my guided meditations, but I hadn’t previously connected affirmations and shame. Both center around the concept of "I am," the intersection of self-perception and self-talk.
Affirmations are positive self-statements used to challenge and overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts. Affirmations get a bad rep, though. I used to think they were corny, false ego strokes. Folks of a certain age might remember SNL’s Stuart Smalley character, who is still the reigning champion of affirmations IMO, but who was also considered a joke. Affirmations are intended to reinforce positive beliefs about oneself and one's abilities. On the other hand, shame is a negative experience that arises from a deep sense of unworthiness, often linked to feelings of inadequacy or moral failure. (Learn more in the Mastering Resilience course!)
The "I am" statements in affirmations and shame can be pivotal in shaping one's self-concept. Affirmations typically involve constructive and empowering statements, such as "I am confident," "I am capable," or "I am worthy of love." These positive affirmations aim to cultivate a healthy and optimistic self-image.
Conversely, shame often involves negative "I am" statements, such as "I am not good enough," "I am a failure," or "I am unworthy." These statements contribute to a detrimental self-perception and can perpetuate a cycle of negative thinking and emotions.
It’s likely that you’ve also, like me, been shaming yourself for longer than you’ve been self-affirming. Therefore, you likely, like me, believe the shaming statements more than you believe the affirmative statements. And of course! Whatever we tell ourselves over and over again gets reinforced and becomes a belief. What happens with beliefs? We look for and create evidence to support it. Who doesn’t love to be right, amirite?? The challenge with switching from shaming to affirming is that we disbelieve the positive statement. However with repetition, we can start to look for evidence to support the affirmative statements because — that’s right! — we love to be right! Give it a try. Tip the scale from shame to affirmation.
Here are four ways to become aware of and explore the connection between affirmations and shame:
Self-Talk Patterns: Both affirmations and shame involve self-talk and the nature of this self-talk significantly influences an individual's emotional well-being. Affirmations can transform negative self-talk into positive and empowering language, while shame tends to reinforce negative self-perceptions. Listen to how you speak to yourself. Also pay attention to what you project onto others, specifically what you assume they are thinking/feeling about you.
Belief Systems: Affirmations are built on the belief that positive thoughts and self-statements can reshape one's mindset and behavior. In contrast, shame often stems from deeply ingrained negative beliefs about oneself, which can be challenging to change. Journal about your views of yourself or better yet, read some old journal entries. Be prepared to cringe and then recognize that this awareness is a first step in a new and better direction.
Impact on Behavior: Positive affirmations aim to boost confidence and encourage positive actions, fostering personal growth. Shame, conversely, can lead to avoidance behaviors, withdrawal, or self-sabotage. Reflect on what you’re doing, especially in relationships.
Cognitive Patterns: Affirmations work to challenge and reframe negative cognitive patterns, fostering a more constructive outlook. Shame, on the other hand, tends to reinforce and perpetuate negative thought patterns.
If you’ve been a client of mine for a while, you know that I’m a fan of “I statements” when it comes to effective communication. This post on shame vs. affirmations simply adds to the statement to improve your communication with yourself. Affirmations focus on fostering positive self-perception and empowering beliefs while shame is rooted in negative self-perceptions that can be reinforced by detrimental "I am" statements. Understanding and addressing these patterns can be a crucial step in promoting mental well-being and personal growth.
Write your most powerful “I Am” affirmations below!
