Boundaries
Over time we meet many people and we develop many different relationships. Some of those relationships are professional, while others might be more personal. Having boundaries helps maintain the many different types of relationships we all have.
Think of boundaries as an invisible barrier that surrounds you. Your relationships with others will determine how close you want people to get to you or how far you want to keep them away. For example, someone you just met will not know intimate details about you compared to someone like a spouse or family member who has known you all your life.
The roles we have help us maintain those boundaries and we can take on many different roles. In our lives we find ourselves in the roles of son/daughter, mother/father, coworker, friend, brother/sister, and for each role there are different sets of rules and boundaries. For example, if you are a police officer or doctor, how you interact with people at work is going to be different from how you interact with your spouse or children.
ENMESHED BOUNDARIES
When boundaries and roles become confused or blurred, then problems tend to occur. Someone with few or enmeshed boundaries has a difficult time knowing where they “end” and others “begin.” They share everything about themselves with everyone, even coworkers and strangers; they may have great difficulty being alone and tend to be viewed as smothering or needy. They tend to find themselves in codependent or dysfunctional relationships, and have difficulty differentiating their roles, i.e. the parent who is best friends with his/her child.
Here are common characteristics of someone with Enmeshed Boundaries:
Does not like being alone
Touches others without asking
Allows others to touch him/her even when it is uncomfortable or inappropriate
Allows their physical space to be invaded
Invades the physical space of others without permission
Personalizes and sees criticism or feedback as a personal attack
Cannot contain feelings, and over-discloses thoughts and feelings
Is dependent on others for emotional well-being
Gets too close too fast
Feels like a victim
Inability to distinguish between love and sex
Assumes to know what someone else feels (e.g. mindreading)
Assumes others know what he/she is feeling
RIGID BOUNDARIES
On the other end of the spectrum are rigid boundaries. Someone with rigid boundaries is more insensitive and is seen as withdrawn, not wanting to be around others. They too have difficulty differentiating roles and may carry some aspects of the work role into their roles as parents or spouse.
Here are some common characteristics of Rigid Boundaries:
Stiff body posture
Uncomfortable being touched (by anyone)
Avoids touching or showing physical affection to others (with permission/consent)
Avoids physical closeness
Does not react or under-reacts
Appears insensitive to the feelings of others
Appears aloof and disinterested
Does not show feelings or seems emotionally numb
Has difficulty asking for or accepting help from others
Has difficulty giving or receiving from others
Uses physical intimidation or threats to get needs met
Physical/verbal abusive
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Somewhere in between rigid boundaries and enmeshed boundaries are healthy boundaries. Someone with healthy boundaries is able to understand the difference between each role he/she has and is able to keep them separated.
Here are some common features of someone with healthy boundaries:
Makes their own physical boundary clear to others
Respects and is sensitive to the needs and rights of others
Is able to negotiate and compromise
Asks permission before touching others
Shares feelings appropriately and directly
Is assertive
Is interdependent
Identifies choices
Is able to make mistakes without damage to self-esteem
Has an internal sense of personal identity
Tolerates differences with others
Is sensitive to feelings of others (empathic)
Developing and maintaining healthy boundaries can improve the quality of the meaningful relationships in one’s life, and can also reduce the amount of stress one can experience.
